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Jayy’s apartment was like a second home to Dahvie. As soon as Jayy unlocked the door to the space, Dahvie practically fell into the warmth and the scents that were Jayy’s home. He smelled the man’s cologne, cigarettes and hair and cosmetic products in the air that filled the small space, and he didn’t think there could ever be a better smell to replace it. There was simply nothing sweeter.

He walked down a carpeted hallway and welcomed himself into Jayy’s bedroom, knowing that the black-haired man wouldn’t mind. That was probably where Jayy intended Dahvie to be by the end of the night anyway.

Dahvie didn’t bother turning on the room’s light. He could see the room perfectly even in the dark. There were miscellaneous piles of clothing that dotted the floor. Various pieces of studded clothing and spiked belts and other accessories that looked like they would have left a mark if one were to bump into them were strewn all over the room in different places. Piles of jewelry were haphazardly tangled together on top of Jayy’s dresser. Dahvie wondered how it was possible for him to look so put together all of the time, but he seemed to have no trouble looking flawless, even in the current condition his things were in.

Dahvie supposed Jayy had devised a system of his own. He probably knew where everything was in his room and how to find anything he would happen to need in a matter of seconds.

“Ahh,” Dahvie exhaled, as he collapsed onto the unmade bed in the middle of the room. As he expected, it wasn’t made up and the usual cluster of stuffed dolls, animals and everything in between were scattered on the floor around the bed. Jayy never made his bed. The black sheets and duvet were bunched together at the foot of the bed. Dahvie wanted to wrap the fabrics around him and slip into a deep sleep, but he couldn’t gather enough energy to reach down.

He closed his black painted eyes, enjoying the silence and comfort that he found in Jayy’s room for a moment before he heard soft footsteps trek down the hallway, towards the bedroom. A smile crept across his lips and stayed there. He felt deep, auburn eyes watching him from the doorway of the room.

Dahvie propped himself up on his elbows and raised an eyebrow at the almost unearthly beautiful figure leaning against the doorframe with his lean arms crossed. His tongue darted out to lick across his lip piercings and Dahvie nearly shuddered at the sight. His make-up was smeared with Jayy’s kisses and their combined sweat from the show, his hair was sticking up in different places and incredibly frizzy from the heat and humidity of the night, but for some reason, he had Jayy’s undivided attention.

“Poor Dahves,” Jayy teased, shaking his head, “Tired, baby?”

Dahvie nodded and stuffed a couple of zebra printed pillows behind his head so he could lay back and relieve the weight from his elbows, “Very tired.”

Jayy grinned and shook his head before stepping closer to the bed. He closed the door behind him once he was far enough in the bedroom and leaned down to crawl on the softness of the bed and closer to Dahvie. The exhausted male noticed that Jayy had somehow managed to strip down to a pair of tight boxer briefs and a white racer back tank top before coming into the bedroom. Jayy didn’t care much where he dressed or where he left his clothes.

Dahvie tried to control the shivers that raced through his body as Jayy continued to crawl over him, but it was an impossible task. He couldn’t resist him, he didn’t have the self-control, and even if he had a chance at such control, he wasn’t even sure if he would want to take it.

“I want to play, Boo.” Jayy purred once his face was hovering just mere inches away from Dahvie’s. The once energy drained man wasn’t feeling so tired anymore. Having Jayy so close gave him enough energy to run a mile and back without stopping.

Dahvie licked his own lips in anticipation of whatever Jayy was planning to do next as his eyes burned deep into the pair hovering above him, “Then let’s play.”

Jayy smiled genuinely at the man beneath him, but Dahvie saw a look of seriousness and intent wash over his perfect features for no more than a second before his smiled returned. Was he thinking about something else than what he was planning to do with Dahvie? The rainbow-haired man didn’t know, and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to find out.

Their situation wasn’t perfect, but it was all Dahvie was allowing himself to indulge in. He was well aware that his feelings for Jayy ran deeper than making out on stage for their fans or cuddling for brief moments for strength before they did what they did best in front of hundreds of adoring girls and boys. The things that he allowed Jayy to do to him were proof of his devotion to the man, but it would never be enough.

Dahvie could be the only one harboring such feelings and adoration, and he didn’t want to disclose anything to Jayy if that was the case. They weren’t two friends that were simply fucking around and having fun. They had a successful group and an image to obtain, and Dahvie would be damned if romance and feelings got in the way of that.

Jayy ducked his head down to lick a hot stripe up and down the side of Dahvie’s neck, taking a break to nibble gently on Dahvie’s collarbone, in the way he knew drove the man crazy. A soft moan escaped Dahvie’s lips, encouraging Jayy to go further and asking for more at the same time.

It was rare that the pair gave each other any instructions or advice or even talked to each other when they were together like this; they didn’t need to. It was like they had each memorized a treasure map of the other’s body, and they both knew where to find the X with ease. Dahvie had never found such a sync with anyone else he had been with in the past, and he was doubtful that he would find it with anyone in the future. He couldn’t speak for Jayy, though.

As much as he wished it weren’t the truth, Dahvie was well aware that Jayy had been with a good amount of men. He often feared that maybe the sync that he had thought they shared didn’t exist; maybe Jayy just had enough practice that he easily knew what to do. Dahvie couldn’t judge him for it, though and it wasn’t something that they talked about often. Jayy knew that Dahvie had been with just as many partners as he had. Neither of their hands were clean.

As Jayy continued to devour what he knew were sensitive spots along Dahvie’s delectable neck and collarbone and chest, the gasping and sighing man wondered if Jayy had been with anyone else but him lately. Dahvie hadn’t for nearly a year. It seemed easy for him; maybe it wasn’t so easy for Jayy. He had no way of knowing.

They’d had this unspoken mutual agreement of being friends and fucking around since shortly after they had met. Dahvie couldn’t even remember back to the first time he had had sex with Jayy, he couldn’t remember when it happened or how, he just knew that it did. It wasn’t spoken about beforehand or drawn out in explanation afterwards, it just simply happened, and it was a far cry from the first and last time.

Jayy had called it, ‘being friends and having fun’. Dahvie seemed to agree with that once upon a time and never questioned him any further on what exactly they had with each other, if they even had something at all.

But that was before. That was before Dahvie had fallen for his band mate. His feelings now changed everything. What was simple, casual sex between friends to Jayy was so much more to Dahvie and it hurt to know it would never be anything beyond that.

There was a time when this was nothing more than fucking around with friends, but that time had long since passed, and Dahvie didn’t know where he stood with Jayy anymore. Nothing had made sense in a long time and everything was confusing. It was terrifying but exciting at once, and that’s why the man with the rainbow-hair couldn’t bring himself to put an end to all of this.

Much to his own bewilderment, Dahvie placed a hand on Jayy’s chest to push him back once he felt a talented hand run across his groin, pressing against and teasing the growing hardness that was found there.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Jayy panted as he pulled away from Dahvie’s neck and took his hand away from his crotch.

Dahvie bit his lip, trying to think of the right words to say, if there were any at all.

“Uh,” Dahvie stammered, trying to piece together in his mind a way to say this.

Jayy looked worried. “Is it not good for you?”

Dahvie shook his head quickly, strands of vibrant color blurring his view for a moment, “No, it’s always good.”

“So what is it?” Jayy asked.

“Well,” Dahvie started, “What are we?”

Jayy looked beyond Dahvie, so that he didn’t have to face his inquisitive eyes, “Best friends. Band mates. Blood brothers. You know that.” He mumbled, knowing what Dahvie meant by his question but doing what he could to cleverly avoid it.

Dahvie frowned, “That’s not what I meant. What are we doing?”

“Having fun?” Jayy suggested, but he knew it wouldn’t suffice, “Can’t friends have fun together?”

Dahvie’s brows furrowed as he felt himself starting to get irritated, “Real friends don’t fuck. I know you aren’t that stupid.”

Jayy rolled his eyes and rolled over so he wasn’t hovering over top of Dahvie anymore. He had a feeling that if he stayed there, he’d probably get smacked or punched in the face. He had gotten into fights with Dahvie before, and the man knew how to throw a powerful punch.

“That’s what we are. I’m not stupid.” Jayy stated.

This time, it was Dahvie who changed his position. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up on his sore feet. He had jumped and danced around on stage for basically the whole performance, and that wasn’t easy on his feet.

“And that’s all we’ll ever be, isn’t it?” He spat at Jayy, wanting to leave the bedroom and call a cab home. His current state of exhaustion was now replaced by anger and irritation and he didn’t think he’d be able to sleep tonight, “Something’s shifted, Jeremy. Maybe you haven’t felt it, but I have.”

Jayy’s eyes shot up to give Dahvie a stern look. He didn’t like being called by Jeremy anymore. He was known to the world as Jayy Von Monroe now, not Jeremy Griffis. He knew Dahvie only used the name when he was genuinely pissed.

“Don’t say that. Of course I’ve felt it! Why do you think I haven’t slept with anyone else in months?” Jayy found himself yelling, but he didn’t care. He dared the neighbours to complain tonight.

In an instant, the anger so clearly etched across Dahvie’s face was washed away by waves of surprise and relief all at once.

“You haven’t?” He asked quietly.

Jayy shook his head, his shiny hair falling in front of his eyes. The bridge piercing that he loved so much poked out from beneath his fringe, “I promise,” He said, and his voice sounded like his was struggling to speak or on the verge of crying, “Not one.”

“Oh.” Dahvie said, knowing it was a lame thing to say. Jayy had never lied to him, not once, so Dahvie knew he was telling the truth about this. He dared to sit on the edge of the bed, in front of where Jayy was laying. He was shocked when he felt one of Jayy’s soft, tattooed hands reach out to grasp his own.

“Do you love me?” Jayy asked quietly, but Dahvie could sense the seriousness in his voice.

Dahvie looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath.

“Maybe. I think so.” He replied, feeling shameful.

This time, it was Jayy who stood up from the bed and readjusted his clothes. He let go of Dahvie’s hand and it looked like he was about to leave the bedroom.

“This is why we’re ‘just friends’, Dahvie. You don’t even know what you want from me.” Jayy stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Dahvie swallowed a lump in his throat, willing himself not to fall apart and cry in front of Jayy. He didn’t say anything as Jayy continued to talk.

“Fuck the band. Fuck everything. I’ll do anything for you, but I don’t know what you expect me to do when you can’t make up your mind.” Jayy said, solemnly.

Dahvie looked up with teary eyes, “I’m sorry.” He croaked, wiping his eyes with the sleeves of his sweater. He grimaced at the black stains on the fabric. This was one of his favorite pieces.

Jayy smiled warmly at the crying man and walked closer to him. He bent down to dot an assuring kiss on Dahvie’s forehead, “Why don’t we just relax and go to bed?” He suggested.

“Weren’t you going to leave?” Dahvie asked.

Jayy shook his head, and ran a thumb across Dahvie’s cheekbone, wiping up any remaining tears and makeup, “I was, but you need me. I’m not going anywhere.”

Dahvie grinned and leaned back to lie down on the bed. He had slept in it enough times to know that Jayy’s designated side was the left, and Dahvie’s was the right. He waited for Jayy to crawl in beside him and pull the duvet and sheets up over both of their bodies, cocooning them in a fortress of warmth. They were surrounding in darkness beyond their cocoon, but it was comforting.

It didn’t take long with Jayy’s arm draped across his body and the warmth and wonderful scents surrounding him before Dahvie fell asleep. He wasn’t even awake long enough to feel a kiss against the back of his head, or Jayy’s murmuring of sweet words before he fell into his own deep world of slumber.

“I’m certain that I love you.”

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January 2012